By Peter deLisser
Anyone whose boss is a screamer knows what it feels like to have his or her self-esteem attacked on a daily basis. It is emotionally draining and spiritually demotivating because the boss’s tantrums subvert the four elements necessary to build workers' self-esteem:
- Accomplishing the daily goals and objectives we set
- Being cared for and valued by people important to us
- Operating out of our own religious, moral and ethical belief systems
- Controlling the events and circumstances of our lives.
With a single shout like, “Can't anybody around here do anything right?” the boss disrupts our day, and probably our staff’s day, as we scurry around trying to put out fires fanned by the boss’s outbursts.
Screaming Is Ineffective Communication
What should you do? At the moment he or she yells, you can reduce the pressure on yourself. Remind yourself that strongly expressed emotions are ineffective communications. To help your boss communicate more effectively take two steps. First, sharpen your awareness on the “reality” of the conversation, not the fantasy. The next step is to use communication skills to balance up the conversation.
Awareness of Reality
Being aware of what happens when someone yells will reduce your self-imposed pressures when under attack. Your first recognition is that when the boss raises his voice to a threatening tone, he may be fearful of his losing control of the situation. His raised voice may have nothing to do with you, but it is his attempt to regain control of a situation he perceives to be threatening to his goals or career. Your initial reaction to being yelled at may be to protect yourself, to fight to control your panic and fears. The best way to avoid your fears is to shift from fantasizing his reasons for yelling to discovering the realities behind his communications.
The second awareness, though not easy, is to recognize that yelling is the boss’s problem, not yours. “Can't anyone in your department do anything right?” sounds and feels like an attack, but it is actually the boss’s way of indicating fright, disappointment or upset over something that happened to him. We may never know why he’s upset, but one guess might be that an error caused him embarrassment in front of his own boss or a client. Whatever the reason, he needs to resolve the problem, but he’s going about it by communicating in an inappropriate, ineffective way—by yelling.
Balancing Up the Communication
Why is yelling ineffective? Because yelling unbalances the level of communication between people. Any time people misuse their knowledge (“I know more than you do”), power (“I'm the boss”) or strong emotions (“You’ve caused my problem”), our self-esteem comes under attack. The result is that we block, interrupt or misunderstand the communication. It’s not easy to hear clearly or to be creative when under attack.
Balancing up the conversation requires that the boss drop her tone of voice to a normal range so we can rationally solve the problem. For this, we need to respond to the real message, not the perceived one. The perceived message, “Can't anyone in your department do anything right?” really means, “I'm angry and upset with your performance.” Unfortunately, we cannot control the way he delivers his message, but we can view the message from a different perspective.
We can balance up the conversation with our response. For example, which response better communicates that you understand that your boss is upset—“Whatever we did really has you upset” or “Our department doesn't do things wrong.”? The first response shows that we heard his message, acknowledges he is upset and indicates our willingness to listen. It has a calming effect on him because it signals he is out of control (which he doesn't want to be) and allows him to correct his tone of voice. The second response, “Our department doesn't do things wrong,” misses the mark and almost forces him to respond with a second emotional response like, “Yes, you do. You screwed up again!” which further attacks your self-esteem.
You have a choice to make when you work for a screamer—to complete conversations with your self-esteem intact and gain accurate information or to feel unappreciated and confused about the real problems to be solved. Balancing up the conversation requires the other person to drop their tone to a rational range where you can exchange facts, substituting reality for fantasy
Build Self-esteem in Balanced Conversations
Talking as equals in every conversation solves problems promptly, creates trusting relationships and, at the same time, builds self-esteem for both parties. When you can internalize that a “screaming” boss is actually only throwing a temper tantrum, you can help him to reduce his tone by helping him admit what’s really bothering him. Once he has reduced his fears and balanced up the conversation, you can talk as equals, which will allow you to:
- Accomplish your goals
- Be valued and cared for by people important to you
- Communicate based on your individual moral, ethical and spiritual standards
- Control the circumstances of your day
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Author Bio: Peter deLisser is an international speaker, author and leadership coach and is the author of Be Your Own Executive Coach . He is the former national sales training manager for Philip Morris and is now president of his own company, Responsible = Communications. For more information please visit: www.delisser.com.
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