Dealing with the “Nos” of Life

By Tom Justin

Like it or not, all of us have to deal with various forms of "No" in life—disappointment, rejection, humiliation, failure, etc. We do what we can to avoid them, but they come, no matter what. Any one of these “nos” can defeat you—but remember—you can defeat any or all of them. It all depends on your mindset, your passion and your decision to convert the power of the “no” into a positive force. Following are descriptions of the three kinds of “no,” along with the steps you can take to overcome them.

The Three Kinds of “No”

• The “Maybe No.” We might also call this the “baby no” or the non-"no". This type of no can be a device to elicit more information from you. Or it could just be a test. It might also be an automatic response, as some people immediately say "no" to any request that involves any kind of commitment on their part, be it time or money. You can often identify this no because it comes quickly. The “Maybe No” is not really a no at all; in fact, it almost always is just a camouflaged “yes,” unless you choose to perceive otherwise.  If the request is important to you, always assume that a first no is a “Maybe No.”

• The “Interim No.” This is where you begin to examine new strategies. If we were to use a travel analogy, it’s where you would get off one plane, wait and then get on another. In your personal life, it might be a relationship going bad or a business in trouble. This is a signal to shift, to make some key changes. It’s a destination, but only temporarily. For example, if your spouse is deeply unhappy and you find that you’re not communicating, this is when you make pivotal decisions to improve your relationship or to move on. It’s where you rethink your situation. The “Interim No” is the most important no, because this is the stage where you can alter the situation before it turns into a “Final No.”

• The “Final No.” This is the beginning of either greatness or oblivion. It’s where the most important decisions in your life are made. There is no mistaking this no--it’s “that’s it, the end, Sayonara.” The marriage ends, the job is lost or the business goes bust. But, on the positive side, it’s also a place of renewal. It’s up to you to define the “Final No.” This is where you make the most important choices of your life. You may choose to see it as the final destination or the beginning of an exciting new journey toward victory.

How to Deal with “No” Effectively

1. Embrace it. The “no” has already happened; you can't undo it.
2. Learn from it. Examine the trail of the “no” backwards, not out of regret, but to discover why the situation occurred and to prevent it from happening again.
3. Recall opposites. Think of a previous similar situation in your life that had a positive outcome. All “nos,” when you consciously embrace them, can lead to the “yeses” of life.
4. Acknowledge the “no,” first to yourself, then to others—colleagues, family or friends. Accept responsibility. Sure, others may have had a hand, but pointing blame gets you nowhere.
5. Repair relationships. If you feel that one of the end results of any “no” was a damaged relationship, do what you can to set it right.
6. Reverse direction—move on and up. Take any “no” of life and form a mental image of it as a large, red “no.” Then slowly visualize the letters turning green as the letters reverse to “on.” Think, “On” to the next opportunity.
7. Congratulate yourself. The winners in life are seen as those who have amassed the most—the most friendships, the most success, the most stuff…and the most “nos.” Every successful person became great despite (and quite possibly because of) a long string of “nos.” No matter how many “nos” they encountered, they kept on going. So can you.

The following AMA seminars can help you move on and move ahead:

• Moving Ahead: Breaking Behavior Patterns that Hold You Back, #2255
• Negotiating to Win, #2513
• Assertiveness Training for Managers, #2527

AMA On-site: Every one of AMA’s 170+ public seminars can be delivered on-site. This flexible, money-saving option allows you to train ten or more people, when and where you choose, at a low cost per participant.

Author Bio: Tom Justin is an entrepreneur, motivational speaker and writer. His most popular presentation, How to Take "No" for an Answer and Still Succeed, is also available in book form. Contact him at tj@tomjustin.com, 702-804-2867 or on the Web at www.tomjustin.com and www.howtotakeno.com.