You may be the hardest worker in your company, the
most innovative thinker in your industry or the most forward-thinking
leader in the world, but if you lack the communication skills to effectively
express your ideas, your accomplishments will fall far short of your
potential. According to Terry Felber, author of a new book, Am I
Making Myself Clear? Secrets of the World’s Greatest Communicators
(Thomas Nelson Publishers), “If we could only communicate
our ideas well, our world would dramatically improve: our jobs would
become more satisfying, our bank accounts would grow, our marriages
would be happier, our families would be healthier, our minds would be
sharper and our overall quality of life would be brighter.”
Since any practice that can change our lives so dramatically
is definitely worth pursuing, AMA’s Shari Lifland interviewed Terry
Felber recently about how to improve our job performance and satisfaction
by honing our communication skills.
Shari Lifland: In your
book you lament that communication is “a lost art.” With the
multiple modes of communication available today in the “Information
Age,” have we really lost the ability to communicate effectively?
Terry Felber: True, we have many new mechanisms
for communication today—e-mails, voicemails, faxes, etc. But the
dissemination of information should not be
confused with real communication. Communication, as we define it, is
a real connection between people, where information is not just put
forth, it is “received,” which involves a dynamic that goes
beyond the mere exchange of information. To some degree we have lost
the art of communication, as we have come to rely upon these new vehicles
for
the dissemination of information.
SL: Your book is subtitled Secrets of the
World’s Greatest Communicators. If you had to choose the #1
secret, what would it be?
TF: If I were to pick one secret of good communication,
it is always to connect with people in a real way, making sure that
your communication is received in the way you intend. This lets people
know that you value them and are interested in them. When someone feels
that you truly care about him or her, they will in turn, care about
you. Here are some of the ways you can accomplish this: ask them questions
about themselves, show that you are listening, maintain eye contact,
include non-verbal responses, mirror their speech and behavior, talk
from their perspective and use the other person’s name frequently.
SL: You quote a study that found that we communicate
only 8% of what we are trying to say through our words, and 90+% nonverbally.
How can businesspeople use this knowledge to their advantage in the
workplace?
TF: Businesspeople should be aware that it
is not so much what you say, as how you say it, that creates the response
they’re looking for. Tone of voice, facial expression, eye contact,
body position, talking from the other person’s perspective, appearance,
asking questions, listening, being “real” and forthright and
humor are all important to this end.
For example, when a subordinate walks into your office
for an appointment you requested, if you are short with him and in a
terse tone tell him to sit down, not looking up from your desk, but
continuing to read an e-mail, he or she will be demoralized from the
very start. If you then move right in to questioning him on a business
question, without asking him about how he’s doing personally, and
as he’s speaking you’re tapping your pen on the desk and continuing
to look at your computer screen, the odds of him feeling a rapport with
you are slim-to-next-to-none. And yet this kind of dehumanizing behavior
is all too common in business settings.
SL: What advice can you give to someone whose
boss is a poor communicator? How can he or she open up the lines of
communication to improve the workplace situation?
TF: If your boss doesn’t communicate well,
you have to take the lead in making your needs known. However, keep
in mind that how you say something is at least as important as what
you say. In my book, I discuss the difference between passiveness, aggressiveness
and assertiveness:
Passiveness is allowing people to walk all over you—the
“door-mat” syndrome.
Aggressiveness is the opposite. It is abrasive behavior that does not
take the other person’s feelings into account.
Assertiveness, the quality that elicits the best response,
communicates forth-rightness and honesty. It is a respect-based balance
between passiveness and aggressiveness.
So if there is a pressing issue that you need to discuss
with your non-communicatative boss, you might approach the subject like
this: “Jim, I value our relationship, and have a great respect
for both what you have accomplished here and for you as a person. And
I know that if there were an issue that is affecting my productivity
here at work, you would want me to talk to you about it...”
SL: It’s interesting that in a book about communication,
you devote an entire chapter to the importance of one’s appearance.
How does the way one looks help or hinder one’s ability to make oneself
understood?
TF: One’s appearance in work-related situations
can affect the way a person
receives what you are trying to communicate. If you are talking to a
60-year-old banker about a line-of-credit for your business, and he’s
sitting behind his desk dressed in a conservative suit, clean shaven,
with a short-cropped haircut, an immediate barrier will go up if you
show up for the interview with shoulder-length hair, a scraggly beard,
dressed in cut-off blue jeans and a grease-stained T-shirt. The first
impression you create can open or close a mind to what you have to say.
This is why lawyers provide detailed instruction to their clients on
how to dress when they appear in court before a judge and jury.
SL: What is “self-talk,” and how
can it help us improve our communication with others?
TF: What you tell yourself, more than anything
else, determines your outcomes.
Self-talk is the mental discussion we have with ourselves. We have the
ability to control those thoughts, since the subconscious mind accepts
whatever we tell it. So if a person tells himself that the business
discussion he is about to have is going to have a bad outcome, the subconscious
accepts that and creates a situation to fulfill that negative vision.
You can’t have feelings without having thoughts that lead to those feelings.
So if you have negative thoughts about a co-worker, working yourself
into a lather over how you’ve been mistreated, chances are that when
you talk next with that person, you are going to be tense and short
with him.
SL: In your book you discuss five representational
systems—visual, auditory, kinesthetic, olfactory and gustatory—which
correspond to the five senses. Since different people rely on different
combinations of these channels to form the basis for their thoughts
and feelings, how can we reach those individuals whose preferred method
of experience is different from our own?
TF: The first step in dealing with people from
the perspective of their primary representational system is to identify
what their primary system is. Then, being aware of their perspective
in communication, you can strategize how you can better talk in their
terms so that your word will be received more effectively.
SL: What is the biggest communication mistake
people make?
TF: Interrupting a person while he’s talking!
Other common mistakes include: being a “motor mouth,” (just
talking about yourself, as opposed to talking about the other person),
using profanity and talking behind people’s backs. Always remember
that everyone needs to feel appreciated and important. If you can fill
that need, people will be much more open to what you have to say. And
you’ll find that you become much more successful in everything
you do.
If you would like to learn more about how to improve
your communication skills, consider the following AMA seminars:
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