Show understanding for a personÿs outlook, position, frustration, and/or predicament. Angry words are often an effort to get another personÿs attention.

Ask questions. Many hostile exchanges stem from failure to hear what someone is saying. If you can anticipate a difference, you can address it more diplomatically.

Stop talking. If you said something, and you find the person with whom you are talking becoming upset and continually interrupting you, then something you have said has upset the person. Pause. The silence that follows should help the other person regain control; then you can probe to find the source of the problem.

Repeat some of the personÿs key phrases and ideas. Your intention is to determine what you said or did to rile the person. Run the personÿs remarks in your mind, looking for key words or phrases to determine how you offended.

Once you have insights into what is bothering the other person, you are in a position to diplomatically address the issue. You might want to bring your differences out in the open or you may just want to apologize for your remarks.

What if the difference has reached the shouting stage? Hear the person out without losing your own temper. Listening isnÿt just letting your boss or a colleague or a customer blow off steam. It entails really trying to understand what the person is angry about. Suggest that the person move from the present environment into another environment and then sit down with the person to hear him out.

As the person talks,

Donÿt interrupt. When you interrupt, you are telling the other person you arenÿt really listening. Youÿve already prejudged the person and see no reason to hear him out.

Donÿt move beyond what the person is saying. Donÿt let your imagination take the problem beyond what the other party is saying. Address the issue at hand. Donÿt retaliate even if the individual gets personal.

Watch what your body is saying. Eye contact and body poster are nonverbal ways you tell the other person that you are truly listening.

Paraphrase. Donÿt merely repeat what you heard in your own words. Ask the person if you are accurate in understanding his complaint.

Show a willingness to understand. When the angry individual yells out, �You donÿt understand,” and you respond, �Of course, I do,” you may escalate the anger rather than calming the person. A more appropriate response might be, �I want to understand.”

Recognize that the stated complaint may not be the underlying reason for the outburst. The real problem may have to do with another situation, person, or event. If you suspect this to be the case, probe more deeply to get the person to expand on her comments.

Avoid observations that make the person more defensive. As you search for the source of the personÿs anger, avoid comments that might produce further hurt feelings. Say, �Iÿm sorry but I really donÿt understand your commentsž.”

Once you understand the source of conflict, you can sit down and talk out the problem.

.